Women’s shoes. Evening gown. Blonde wig. Lipstick. Eye shadow. Finger nail polish. These are things I found myself donning last night. Was I embarking upon a new alternate lifestyle? Did I get dressed in the dark? Nope and nope. I was actually involved in a Womanless Beauty Pageant for charity. The charity in question was the Mosselle Volunteer Fire Department. They organized said event to raise dough to put into their great cause. And being good friends with some involved, I naturally put my good name to the side and offered to help out.
So what is a “Womanless Beauty Pageant” I hear you ask. In a nutshell, a group of blokes get dressed up in drag and perform a fashion show. It’s all for laughs. The site of grown men camping it up in dresses can be great entertainment and tickets are sold to the public to raise money for the charity. They also sell raffle tickets to help with the fund-raising too.
So what did I wear? My wife and niece went shopping at a charity store and found the ugliest green evening gown imaginable. The reason they bought it? It was the biggest dress they had. Fair ’nuff. I also wore a Hannah Montana wig found at another charity store (thank goodness the pageant was taking place around Hallowe’en time). I also wore a couple of rings and a necklace. And to top it all off I had my face plastered with make-up. I looked like a ruddy dog’s dinner. In fact, dressed like that, I bet I could have stolen Prince Charles from Camilla Parker Bowles.
How did the routine go? I chose to come out to “Dancing Queen” by ABBA. Was there any other choice? I strutted out there, walked the circle (as instructed) then made my way towards the audience. I approached where my wife was sitting and did a little pole dance around the bleacher railings. From there I glided past the audience and saw one very nervous man trying not to look at me. So what did I do? I snatched the baseball cap off his head, put it on my own head and danced around him. That got a rise out of the audience. From there I strutted towards the judges, all of them sitting there nervously (due to being made a spectacle of by the prior contestants). Grabbing the back of the first judge’s chair, I pulled him out from under the table and lap danced around him. Have I ever mentioned that I have no shame? From there, it was time to strut to the back.
The results came in and, unfortunately, I didn’t place in the top three. But what the heck, I had a blast. The audience had a blast. And we raised some cold hard cash for the fire department of Mosselle! Would I do it again? Probably so. I mean why not? I can’t deny my public an encore performance!