The Feces Phantom…

You’re late for work. You rush through your morning routine. You shower, brush your teeth, feed the dog, kiss the kids goodbye and hurry to your car. But when you get there you notice something’s amiss. Somebody has broken into your vehicle! Your car has been ransacked. And the final insult? Somebody has taken a dump on your backseat! What? Yes you just read that right. Somebody has taken a dump on your backseat.

What a disgusting tale. But it’s not a fictional tale. This has really been happening in the town of Carteret, New Jersey. Carteret police have been stumped over a recent spate of “pillage and poop” crimes and have been tearing their hair out trying to solve them. What crappy luck.

But in the early hours of October 15, 2011 the police finally received a crack in the case. A phone call from a member of the public reported seeing suspicious happenings inside his neighbour’s car. The police sped to the scene and instead of finding a car thief inside the car, all that was found was a Cleveland steamer on the backseat. Yikes! The Feces Phantom had struck again! But with the description provided by the witness, teen-youth Hadith Caesar was nabbed down the street trying to make a get away on his mountain bike. Caesar, pictured, is now being held at the Middlesex County jail on a $15,000 bond. The 18-year old has been charged with theft and harassment. No charges have been pressed for squeezing them out on backseats because this is an unprecedented case.

Wow! What is the World coming to? When I was 18, criminals my age were performing valiant crimes such as burglaries, vandalism and breaking the speed limit. Today’s youth, not to be outdone, are resorting to coming up with their own crimes. And this is the best they can come up with? Scatting inside someone’s car? Give me a break.

And in closing, I leave you with a quote I read about this case on Facebook…

“Need a ride? Just move that crap in the back out of the way.”


5 comments on “The Feces Phantom…

  1. Oh dear. This reminds me of how some people sniff cinnamon to get ‘high’. Why can’t they do a proper crime?

  2. You are quickly becoming my favorite source for all the news worth reading. You find all the best stories and your commentary is far superior to most of the drek I see on the feeds. Thanks for the laugh this morning.

    @conditionalcognition – “felonious fecal fiend” LMAO

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