Scooby Doo, Vincent Price and Creepy Pasta.

I now have a premise for a mini-novel that I want to write. I really want to start out with short stories but as luck would have it I think I’ve come up with an idea that should lead to a fairly lengthy piece. I’m meticulous (sometimes to a fault) so there will be lots of planning to be had.

Obviously it would be foolish of me to spill the beans of the entire plot on this blog but I can reveal the two main plot points. The location is a haunted fairground and the main character is a young boy. True, that does sound like a potential Scooby Doo meets Goosebumps fanfic, but I’m confident this idea has good potential.

Speaking of works of horror, have you ever read or listened to any of the Creepy Pasta stories? As best as I can tell (with no research) it’s basically a smalltime horror fiction brand that publishes stories in both written and audio formats. You may have heard of some of their characters such as Laughing Jack and the Smileyman.

The stories themselves are pretty good. No problems there. The problem I have with them are their YouTube videos. The stories are basically brought to life like audiobooks. Somebody reads them while relevant images accompany. You see horror, to me at least, is about sending a chill down the consumers spine. Unfortunately, the guy who reads the Creepy Pasta series sounds like a pre-pubescent school kid. Instead of gravely tones like that of Vincent Price in Michael Jackson’s Thriller song, he sounds more like a Justin Bieber type being interviewed for some teen magazine.

Who knows? When I finish my horror story, maybe I’ll read it for an audio release. But the plan would be for me to sound more like Vincent than Justin.

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Man Arrested for Throwing a Ham at His Mother!

When it comes to my relationship with my mother, I guess you could call me somewhat of a “mummy’s boy”. I love that gal so much. And really, I’d expect most people to have the same feelings about the maternal figures in their lives. But apparently this is not so, especially when it comes to the case of Emanuel Cordell Kennedy who has been accused of lobbing a ham at his dear old mum, Brenda King.

This strange episode went down in Union City, Tennessee this past Tuesday when Kennedy, 37, had been arguing with his mother, 55. The mother, Mrs. King, reported to the Union City Police Department that she had been hit in the back with something while walking down the hall. When questioned by the police, Kennedy claimed that he had not intended to hit his mother, but had done so when he tossed a ham in her direction. King was not injured by the ham, the size of which the investigators have not divulged.

Kennedy, pictured above, is being held without bond in the Obion County jail. He is scheduled to be arraigned this afternoon on a misdemeanor count.

There’s a lot of crime in this world, but I love reading about weird crimes like this. I mean, seriously, a ham? I’m not suggesting he should have hit her with something more menacing but good grief, man, a ham? It doesn’t beat an earlier story reported on this blog about a man attacking a woman with a frozen armadillo, but it’s up there!

If there is a silver lining to this tale, at least it wasn’t a canned ham!

Teacher Forces Six-Year-Olds to Rub Her Feet.

From time to time I find myself blogging about incidents that involve the school system. Usually the news pieces centre around the bad behaviour of students, but today’s post is about the misdoings of a teacher. A South Carolina teacher of Batesburg Leesville Primary School has been accused of forcing her first-grade pupils to rub her feet.

Brenda Norris, the grandmother of one of the students, became aware of the questionable behaviour when her granddaughter came to her and begged not to be sent to school. The six-year old girl then revealed that the cause of this was that she hated to rub her teacher’s feet.

“It’s just painful, just to know that this woman would have them touching her feet. What was going through her mind?” said Norris. “My granddaughter has nightmares, she cries. She said ‘I have three wishes, Grandma. One of them was not to go to school today.'”

Lexington School District Three Superintendent Dr. Chester Floyd says an investigation has been launched into the matter and meetings have been held with the teacher and the parents and all necessary actions have been taken. The district hasn’t specified what these actions were though.

“The administration took immediate action. Immediately began an investigation, took appropriate action, rectified the situation, had a follow-up meeting with the parent who brought the incident to our attention. We took very stern and appropriate action and that situation has been rectified,” said Floyd. He says the incident was not racially or sexually motivated.

As of yet, no charges have been filed against the teacher so the teacher’s name has not been released.

WTF? Why was this lazy cow of a teacher asking six-year-olds to rub her feet? Did she think it was an acceptable request? Sure, this isn’t a scandal the magnitude of the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State situation but I am just shocked and flabbergasted at this news. This little girl only just started school around four months ago and already her trust in teachers has been destroyed. What a stupid, stupid woman. She should lose her job if she proved guilty and should no longer be allowed to work in the education system.

Man Has a Hysterectomy!

A New Zealand father of three recently paid a visit to his local health clinic when he began to experience severe abdominal pains, but was left scratching his head when the doctors suggested that his past hysterectomy might be to blame. Yes, I said “past hysterectomy”.

Les Kennington (Les not exactly being the most obvious uni-sex name), 39, has never had a uterus, nor has anyone ever tried to remove one from his body. So why did the docs believe he went through such a procedure?

“A few years ago I did have an operation to correct a hernia, but it’s concerning they could not tell the difference between a hernia and a hysterectomy, nor could they tell the difference between a male and a female,” Mr Kennington told a local newspaper.

The mistake on his medical records was down to “human error”. Somebody mistakenly recorded his hernia op as a hysterectomy op. Whoops! The kicker is that medical records cannot be altered so Mr. Kennington will be saddled with this ridiculous faux pas for the rest of his life. For the record it was gallstones that were causing his abdominal discomfort.

Well, I guess Mr. Kennington won’t have to go through the menopause when he gets older.

Feeding Premature Babies Wallaby Milk?

A Melbourne, Australia scientist believes he has made a breakthrough when it comes to the development of premature babies. He claims that wallaby milk could be a vital source of much needed nutrients for underdeveloped children. No, I’m not making this up. One of the dangers of children being born as premmies is that their gut may not have formed properly, making it difficult from them to absorb the nutrients from breast milk or formula. Professor Kevin Nicholas from Deakin University’s Institute for Technology, Research and Innovation reckons that tamar wallabies milk may contain the necessary nutrients to strengthen the babies gut.

The gestation period for a pregnant wallaby is just 26-weeks as compared to nine-months of a human. When a baby joey is born, it’s still developing. After birth it crawls up it’s mother’s body and finishes it’s development stages inside her pouch. Nicholas has made note of this and has linked the underdeveloped joeys with underdeveloped babies. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

“What the [wallaby] mother does during a very long lactation is change the composition of milk progressively, and we know those changes in composition are very important for driving development of the young and of course the gut is a major target,” said Professor Nicholas.

“It’s really those changes in composition that are so important… and we can target those and we can then identify, particularly proteins, that we think are important for developing the gut.”

Isn’t science a wonderful thing? I mean really, how ruddy clever. Now they’re not suggesting that you latch your premature baby to the teet of a mothering wallaby, but they’re going forward with the research as they try to identify the proteins that make the milk so effective. Professor Nicholas’s research stems from a $100,000 AUD grant, and if he can prove his concept work, the Melbourne researcher could be provided up to $1 million dollars to continue his research.

Now for a couple of gratuitous wallaby/baby jokes.

“The milk will certainly put a spring in their step.”

“It’ll help to make them healthy bouncing babies.”

I’m sorry, those were awful. If you have anymore, feel free to post them in the comments section!

Police Find Frozen Cougar in Florida Man’s Freezer!

Shocking news came out of Florida this week when a man was found to have a dead, frozen cougar in his freezer. No, we’re not talking about Ashton Kutcher having a psychotic break with his estranged wife Demi Moore (who for the record IS alive, so please no lawsuits). We’re talking about Palm Beach County resident, Gene Stimmler.

Police were called to his house when they received allegations that Stimmler, 73, had made lewd comments towards a 15-year-old boy. Joseph Valenzuela, the boy’s father, had been living with his son in a trailer on Stimmler’s property at the time of the offense. Valenzuela, an employee of Stimmler, also told Deputy Bryan Hack that Stimmler had a “large wild cat” that was “hidden in a freezer in the garage.” The frozen animal, Deputy Hack noted, “was brown in color and frozen in a live state, eyes open.” When the police opened up the freezer, they found themselves staring face-to-face with the frozen feline. It was surrounded by a large stock of mangoes and a couple of dead parrots (don’t worry, no Monty Python “Dead Parrot” jokes here).

When questioned by a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer, Stimmler claimed that he couldn’t remember how the animal died. “It just died,” Stimmler said, adding that he did not have the money for a necropsy. Asked if he had shot the cougar–as alleged by Valenzuela–Stimmler replied, “No.”

As well as the cougar, Stimmler has kept many wild and exotic animals on his 30-acre property such as a monkey, lemurs and exotic birds. Although he was not been charged with keeping any of these animals, he was busted last month when he allegedly stole Valenzuela’s pet chihuahua. Although I cannot confirm this, it was not found in his freezer next to his dead kitty.

I can relate to this story a little. My sister once kept a dead squirrel in our freezer. My family knew a taxidermist and he had promised to stuff it for her. Yes, that’s a tad strange. There’s nothing quite like fishing around for chicken nuggets and coming up with a dead squirrel. But I just can’t fathom freezing an entire cougar. There’d be no room to store ice cream.

A Stroke Turns Rugby Player Gay?

After

Can a stroke turn you gay? If you ask Chris Birch, a former 266 lbs rugby player, that very question he’s likely tell you yes. After surviving a horrific broken neck and stroke, Birch, a 26-year-old Welshman, woke up and found himself being attracted to men instead of women. Prior to the accident he was engaged to be married to his fiancee and had a job as a banker. Today he’s employed as a hairdresser and lives above the salon with his 19-year-old boyfriend.

Before

Tragedy struck Birch during a gym training session in 2005 when he befell a horrible accident after attempting a back flip when horse-playing in front of his friends. He suffered a broken neck and stroke and was immediately taken to intensive care. Birch recalls experiencing his first attraction to his own sex during his rehabilitation period. He told the London Mirror that he encountered his first homosexual feelings while watching a TV show featuring a handsome male actor.

“I felt my stomach flutter and the same feelings I used to have for pretty girls came across me,” Birch said.

Birch’s lifestyle has changed dramatically. Whereas he used to be found hanging out with his mates watching sports, today you’re more likely to find him hanging out in gay night clubs. He has shed 110 lbs and has traded in his skinhead hairstyle for a fashionable new ‘do.

“Suddenly, I hated everything about my old life. I didn’t get on with my friends, I hated sport and found my job boring.

“Everyone said I was more sarcastic [after the stroke], behaved differently and that even my mannerisms had changed, but to me the way I felt was natural. So I started avoiding seeing my old friends who wanted me to be someone I wasn’t,” he said.

This is quite the bizarre case. There have been reports before about stroke victims exhibiting out-of-character traits following their ordeals. Sometimes people become more artistic, others may experience shortened tempers, and there was even one case of an English-speaking woman who mysteriously became fluent in German. The brain is a funny thing. Perhaps Birch had a repressed feeling of homosexuality in his brain only for the stroke to open it up to him. Whatever the deal, it’s an interesting story!