Police Find Frozen Cougar in Florida Man’s Freezer!

Shocking news came out of Florida this week when a man was found to have a dead, frozen cougar in his freezer. No, we’re not talking about Ashton Kutcher having a psychotic break with his estranged wife Demi Moore (who for the record IS alive, so please no lawsuits). We’re talking about Palm Beach County resident, Gene Stimmler.

Police were called to his house when they received allegations that Stimmler, 73, had made lewd comments towards a 15-year-old boy. Joseph Valenzuela, the boy’s father, had been living with his son in a trailer on Stimmler’s property at the time of the offense. Valenzuela, an employee of Stimmler, also told Deputy Bryan Hack that Stimmler had a “large wild cat” that was “hidden in a freezer in the garage.” The frozen animal, Deputy Hack noted, “was brown in color and frozen in a live state, eyes open.” When the police opened up the freezer, they found themselves staring face-to-face with the frozen feline. It was surrounded by a large stock of mangoes and a couple of dead parrots (don’t worry, no Monty Python “Dead Parrot” jokes here).

When questioned by a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer, Stimmler claimed that he couldn’t remember how the animal died. “It just died,” Stimmler said, adding that he did not have the money for a necropsy. Asked if he had shot the cougar–as alleged by Valenzuela–Stimmler replied, “No.”

As well as the cougar, Stimmler has kept many wild and exotic animals on his 30-acre property such as a monkey, lemurs and exotic birds. Although he was not been charged with keeping any of these animals, he was busted last month when he allegedly stole Valenzuela’s pet chihuahua. Although I cannot confirm this, it was not found in his freezer next to his dead kitty.

I can relate to this story a little. My sister once kept a dead squirrel in our freezer. My family knew a taxidermist and he had promised to stuff it for her. Yes, that’s a tad strange. There’s nothing quite like fishing around for chicken nuggets and coming up with a dead squirrel. But I just can’t fathom freezing an entire cougar. There’d be no room to store ice cream.

Naked, Lovestruck Drunk Driver!

Anyone can become a drunken driver. That whole scenario is old hat. Just get some alcohol down your neck, crank up your car and crash into something. Simple. But this past Sunday, a Moscow man, named only as Vitaly G, put a new spin on this old scenario. He decided to drink impaired while BUCK NAKED! As with many posts on this blog, this once again proves that it takes all sorts to make this World go round.

But it wasn’t all fun and games. This naked twit crashed into 17 separate vehicles during his drunken escapade, among them were four police cars and a school bus full of children. Thankfully nobody was seriously injured.

The police eventually brought the mystery man to a halt and were amazed as they pulled the totally naked man, supposedly in his 40s, out of the runaway Renault Morgan car. The Moldovan-born man, who had recently changed his citizenship to Russian, explained that he had been having a rough time of it lately having recently broken up with his significant other.

“I was flying on the wings of love. The day before my loved one said she was no longer ready to have a serious relationship.” he is quoted as saying.

Bless his heart. You have to feel for the guy. But maybe he would’ve been better served to just change the locks on his house and burn her belongings like normal rational folks would do, right?

Man Claims Hooker Turned Into Donkey!

Have you ever been caught committing an act of bestiality with an animal, only to lie to the police that it was a woman who’d shape-shifted into a donkey? Well you have if your name is Sunday Moyo. The Zimbabwean man was nabbed this past Sunday at 4 a.m. for having intercourse with the donkey as it was tied to a tree. He has since appeared in court over the matter, and the following quotes had me literally laughing my bum off!

“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,” he began.

“I had hired a prostitute and paid $20 (USD) for the service at Down Town night club and I don’t know how she became a donkey.”

Wow! I just can’t fathom anybody coming up with such an outlandish excuse. A hooker turned into a donkey? It sounds like an adult version of Shrek. This guy either has an wild imagination, or at least a love for mind-altering substances. Whatever the reason, the court was allegedly in stitches listening to Moyo’s cock-and-bull story. The magistrate ruled that he was to be held in custody until October 27 and then would have to undergo mandatory psychiatric evaluation.

So what will become of this man and his would be lover? I’ll leave you with one last quote…

“I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar but I am seriously in love with [the] donkey.”

Crook Uploads His Mugshot to Victim’s Facebook!

There are certain dos and don’ts when it comes to stealing a ladies purse from her car. First and foremost, I would suggest covering your tracks. Make sure you can’t be traced back to the scene of the crime. You could do this in a number of ways. Perhaps commit the crime under the cover of darkness. Maybe you could wear a mask. And when you have stolen said item, run like heck and and never return to the scene of the crime. That’s all fairly straight forward, eh? Well it wasn’t for a McDonough, Georgia crook when he accidentally uploaded a picture of himself onto his victim’s Facebook!

This huge faux pas really happened. The victim, unnamed, had left her belongings in her car as she walked into her child’s daycare. Upon her return she discovered her purse, along with her cell phone, missing. Obviously distraught she reported the incident to the local police and waited on any news of her stolen property. When logging into her Facebook two days later, she noticed that a new picture had been uploaded to her photo album. And it bore a striking resemblance to a man she had spotted outside the daycare around the time of the theft. Apparently the crook hadn’t covered all his bases…

The theory is that the thief had tried to upload a picture of himself to his Facebook using the stolen phone. The only problem was that the phone had been set up to upload all pictures to the VICTIM’S Facebook. So, unwittingly, he gave the victim and the police his own mugshot. Whoops! The victim is quoted as saying “As far as his character, pretty much scum. Not the brightest bulb” And I find it hard to disagree. Henry County Police have issued fliers to the public with the suspect’s self portrait on them.

I have to say. This guy should be a role model for crooks everywhere. Because if others were more like him, the World would be a better place!

Man Assaults Woman With Frozen Armadillo!

POW!

BLAM!

No, these aren’t quotes from the 1960’s Batman TV show. These are noises that the human body makes when being struck by a frozen armadillo. “But why would anybody want to hit someone with a frozen armadillo?” I hear you ask. Well, how about over an issue of money…

This is exactly what happened in Dallas, Texas late this past September. An argument between a man and a 57-year old woman led to violence when the two couldn’t come to terms on how much the man’s frozen armadillo was worth (apparently in the state of Texas it’s illegal to sell these animals live so the only way to sell them is in a frozen state). As things got heated, the man threw the frosty critter at her, hitting her once on the leg and once on the chest. The man then did a runner and is now wanted by the police. The woman, now bruised, was planning to eat the armadillo.

Oh dear. I don’t know to start with this story. First, what kind of a man strikes a woman? With an frozen armadillo no less. If you’re trying to peddle your wares to a fellow member of the public and can’t come to terms on a price, just walk away. I’m sure the other citizens of Dallas have quite the taste for armadillo. I mean yeah, some people might be partial to a steak dinner or some other hearty meal but when push comes to shove I’m sure they’d choose the “hedgehog-on-a-half-shell” hands down. There were probably ample amounts of would-be buyers in Dallas that night (I am of course being facetious so no hate comments from Texas please).

And secondly, in this day and age why is somebody wanting to purchase and consume an armadillo? Apparently eating an armadillo that has not been prepared and cooked properly could lead to the consumer contracting leprosy. This is a legit fact. I could make a lame joke about this by saying that the woman would have given her right arm for the armadillo but corny humour like that is way beneath me.

The Feces Phantom…

You’re late for work. You rush through your morning routine. You shower, brush your teeth, feed the dog, kiss the kids goodbye and hurry to your car. But when you get there you notice something’s amiss. Somebody has broken into your vehicle! Your car has been ransacked. And the final insult? Somebody has taken a dump on your backseat! What? Yes you just read that right. Somebody has taken a dump on your backseat.

What a disgusting tale. But it’s not a fictional tale. This has really been happening in the town of Carteret, New Jersey. Carteret police have been stumped over a recent spate of “pillage and poop” crimes and have been tearing their hair out trying to solve them. What crappy luck.

But in the early hours of October 15, 2011 the police finally received a crack in the case. A phone call from a member of the public reported seeing suspicious happenings inside his neighbour’s car. The police sped to the scene and instead of finding a car thief inside the car, all that was found was a Cleveland steamer on the backseat. Yikes! The Feces Phantom had struck again! But with the description provided by the witness, teen-youth Hadith Caesar was nabbed down the street trying to make a get away on his mountain bike. Caesar, pictured, is now being held at the Middlesex County jail on a $15,000 bond. The 18-year old has been charged with theft and harassment. No charges have been pressed for squeezing them out on backseats because this is an unprecedented case.

Wow! What is the World coming to? When I was 18, criminals my age were performing valiant crimes such as burglaries, vandalism and breaking the speed limit. Today’s youth, not to be outdone, are resorting to coming up with their own crimes. And this is the best they can come up with? Scatting inside someone’s car? Give me a break.

And in closing, I leave you with a quote I read about this case on Facebook…

“Need a ride? Just move that crap in the back out of the way.”

Batman: The Dark Knobhead

It’s midnight. The good citizens of Petoskey, Michigan are sleeping. The only signs of life are cats stealing scraps from local restaurant’s trash cans, mice collecting bedding and…a thirty-something year old twit dressed as a superhero perched on a ledge of a hardware store.

This may read like a work of fiction but this is exactly what happened in Petoskey back in May of this year. Mark Williams, a 31-year old self confessed “comic book geek”, donned a homemade Batman costume and took to the streets of his Michigan hometown. During his reconnaissance work he climbed onto the roof of a hardware store. Police were alerted to this when Williams was spotted hanging off one of it’s ledges. Officers from Petoskey’s Department of Public Safety were soon at the scene and attempted to coax the Batman-wannabe back to safety. However, Williams refused and the police were forced to drag him back onto the roof. In searching his “utility belt”, they discovered he was in possession of pepper spray and a collapsible baton. He was then arrested for possession of dangerous weapons, resisting an officer and trespassing.

Wow! What a fun-filled night Mr. Williams had. As a kid I used to love pretending to be fictional characters. As a wee nipper I used to love acting out scenes from “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”. When I got a little older pro-wrestling was my poison of choice. But now, at 32, you’re probably unlikely to find me dressing up like an idiot (besides my recent Womanless Beauty Pageant of course).So what possessed this guy to act in such a manner? Your guess is as good as mine. If he was auditioning for a place in the “Rain City Superhero Movement” I’m guessing he probably flunked it.

The only thing I can deduce from his picture (taken at the local police station) is that his underarm Bat-deoderant failed him. Sad.

Don’t Lick My Knee!

If you were to see a young lady fall, would you rush over to help her? I hope most of the people reading this post would. After all, it’s the chivalrous thing to do, right? But how many of you, after helping her up, would then lick the scrape on her knee? Pretty gross, eh? Well this is exactly what Martin Soto, an Arizona construction worker, has been arrested for. What a strange crime. There are all kinds of weird and wonderful crimes to commit in this world, but what kind of a crooked mind is able to cook up a scheme like this?

Last Thursday (October 13, 2011) the woman in question was leaving her place of work to get into her vehicle. She tripped and landed knees first on the concrete floor, damaging her left knee. Seeing the accident, three men, from a construction site adjacent to her place of work, rode over to help her. They lifted her back onto her feet then escorted her back to her car. Two of the men then left, leaving Soto alone with the woman. As she sat in her car, he stood between her and the open car door. He asked for her phone number, telling her he’d need to call for medical assistance. She reluctantly gave it to him. He then said he’d need to see where she’d scraped her knee. She rolled up her trouser leg and Soto bent down and licked the wound. Freaked out, she abruptly pulled her trouser leg back down as Soto attempted to go from the appetizer to the main course. She managed to shove him off and close the car door. He was arrested and booked for assault.

What?! Are you freaking kidding me? The guy licked her scraped knee? I know Quentin Tarantino is a documented foot fetishist, but that doesn’t mean he goes around licking people’s stubbed toes. I know it takes all kinds to make this World go round, but wow! This guy needs some serious help.

I’m sorry this young lady had to go through such an ordeal. She should just be thankful she didn’t land on her bum.

 

Is Sarcasm Genetic?

So is sarcasm genetic? I guess you could make a case for that being true, but I think it’s generally taught. My five-year old niece (who you will be familiar with if you’re a regular reader of my blog) is walking evidence that this may not be the case.

A lil background on me. I’m a 32 year old English male who has been living in the United States for nine years. If you grew up in my household, you should have a firm grasp on sarcasm. Myself, my brother and sister were always jibing at each other growing up. I have to feel sorry for my poor mum. I’d always pick at her with my sarcastic humour. Not in a malicious way though. She actually enjoyed it in some kind of twisted way. So you see, I had a firm base in sarcastic humour, and when I moved to the States all those years back, I faced the task of having to adapt my humour style to mesh with your average American citizen.

Chalk and cheese. Oil and water. Ice cream and horse manure. Somethings just aren’t compatible. And it turned out my sense of humour wasn’t tailor-made for the Stateside peeps. Besides having to slow down my thick Norfolk accent, I had to figure out how to connect with them on a humour level. This blog is in no way a dig at the American people. The English have their ways and the Americans have theirs.

Case in point. One time I was working a concession stand with a girl who is a close friend of my wife and I. She made the comment that whenever she hears me talk, she pictures me as somebody drinking tea with a little teacup, wearing a bowler hat and carrying an umbrella. My natural sarcasm kicked in and I exclaimed “That is so racist!” I waited for her to laugh. It never came. Instead she apologized to me and asked if she had offended me. I said of course not, but I could really see that she felt bad about it. I tried to reassure her it was okay, but the damage was done. Whoops!

So what about my little niece? Well, I’ve been there for her since she was born and have babysat her on numerous occasions. I’ve taught her how to draw, colour, read the alphabet and many other things. One other thing is that she’s learned from me is my sarcastic sense of humour. Say that I trip over. She laughs at my misfortune. In response I quickly snap “Why are you laughing?! Did somebody tell a joke?!” Does she feel bad and apologize profusely? Nope. She just quips back “Because you just fell on your butt!”

Now genetically her and I are no relation. Meaning that my sarcastic streak has not been genetically passed down to her. But through nurture, instead of nature, she’s picked up sarcasm. This is why I think sarcasm is not genetic. It’s brought on by learning through example at a young age. And boy did my little niece ever learn it!