Scooby Doo, Vincent Price and Creepy Pasta.

I now have a premise for a mini-novel that I want to write. I really want to start out with short stories but as luck would have it I think I’ve come up with an idea that should lead to a fairly lengthy piece. I’m meticulous (sometimes to a fault) so there will be lots of planning to be had.

Obviously it would be foolish of me to spill the beans of the entire plot on this blog but I can reveal the two main plot points. The location is a haunted fairground and the main character is a young boy. True, that does sound like a potential Scooby Doo meets Goosebumps fanfic, but I’m confident this idea has good potential.

Speaking of works of horror, have you ever read or listened to any of the Creepy Pasta stories? As best as I can tell (with no research) it’s basically a smalltime horror fiction brand that publishes stories in both written and audio formats. You may have heard of some of their characters such as Laughing Jack and the Smileyman.

The stories themselves are pretty good. No problems there. The problem I have with them are their YouTube videos. The stories are basically brought to life like audiobooks. Somebody reads them while relevant images accompany. You see horror, to me at least, is about sending a chill down the consumers spine. Unfortunately, the guy who reads the Creepy Pasta series sounds like a pre-pubescent school kid. Instead of gravely tones like that of Vincent Price in Michael Jackson’s Thriller song, he sounds more like a Justin Bieber type being interviewed for some teen magazine.

Who knows? When I finish my horror story, maybe I’ll read it for an audio release. But the plan would be for me to sound more like Vincent than Justin.

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Man Arrested for Throwing a Ham at His Mother!

When it comes to my relationship with my mother, I guess you could call me somewhat of a “mummy’s boy”. I love that gal so much. And really, I’d expect most people to have the same feelings about the maternal figures in their lives. But apparently this is not so, especially when it comes to the case of Emanuel Cordell Kennedy who has been accused of lobbing a ham at his dear old mum, Brenda King.

This strange episode went down in Union City, Tennessee this past Tuesday when Kennedy, 37, had been arguing with his mother, 55. The mother, Mrs. King, reported to the Union City Police Department that she had been hit in the back with something while walking down the hall. When questioned by the police, Kennedy claimed that he had not intended to hit his mother, but had done so when he tossed a ham in her direction. King was not injured by the ham, the size of which the investigators have not divulged.

Kennedy, pictured above, is being held without bond in the Obion County jail. He is scheduled to be arraigned this afternoon on a misdemeanor count.

There’s a lot of crime in this world, but I love reading about weird crimes like this. I mean, seriously, a ham? I’m not suggesting he should have hit her with something more menacing but good grief, man, a ham? It doesn’t beat an earlier story reported on this blog about a man attacking a woman with a frozen armadillo, but it’s up there!

If there is a silver lining to this tale, at least it wasn’t a canned ham!

Man Has a Hysterectomy!

A New Zealand father of three recently paid a visit to his local health clinic when he began to experience severe abdominal pains, but was left scratching his head when the doctors suggested that his past hysterectomy might be to blame. Yes, I said “past hysterectomy”.

Les Kennington (Les not exactly being the most obvious uni-sex name), 39, has never had a uterus, nor has anyone ever tried to remove one from his body. So why did the docs believe he went through such a procedure?

“A few years ago I did have an operation to correct a hernia, but it’s concerning they could not tell the difference between a hernia and a hysterectomy, nor could they tell the difference between a male and a female,” Mr Kennington told a local newspaper.

The mistake on his medical records was down to “human error”. Somebody mistakenly recorded his hernia op as a hysterectomy op. Whoops! The kicker is that medical records cannot be altered so Mr. Kennington will be saddled with this ridiculous faux pas for the rest of his life. For the record it was gallstones that were causing his abdominal discomfort.

Well, I guess Mr. Kennington won’t have to go through the menopause when he gets older.

Feeding Premature Babies Wallaby Milk?

A Melbourne, Australia scientist believes he has made a breakthrough when it comes to the development of premature babies. He claims that wallaby milk could be a vital source of much needed nutrients for underdeveloped children. No, I’m not making this up. One of the dangers of children being born as premmies is that their gut may not have formed properly, making it difficult from them to absorb the nutrients from breast milk or formula. Professor Kevin Nicholas from Deakin University’s Institute for Technology, Research and Innovation reckons that tamar wallabies milk may contain the necessary nutrients to strengthen the babies gut.

The gestation period for a pregnant wallaby is just 26-weeks as compared to nine-months of a human. When a baby joey is born, it’s still developing. After birth it crawls up it’s mother’s body and finishes it’s development stages inside her pouch. Nicholas has made note of this and has linked the underdeveloped joeys with underdeveloped babies. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

“What the [wallaby] mother does during a very long lactation is change the composition of milk progressively, and we know those changes in composition are very important for driving development of the young and of course the gut is a major target,” said Professor Nicholas.

“It’s really those changes in composition that are so important… and we can target those and we can then identify, particularly proteins, that we think are important for developing the gut.”

Isn’t science a wonderful thing? I mean really, how ruddy clever. Now they’re not suggesting that you latch your premature baby to the teet of a mothering wallaby, but they’re going forward with the research as they try to identify the proteins that make the milk so effective. Professor Nicholas’s research stems from a $100,000 AUD grant, and if he can prove his concept work, the Melbourne researcher could be provided up to $1 million dollars to continue his research.

Now for a couple of gratuitous wallaby/baby jokes.

“The milk will certainly put a spring in their step.”

“It’ll help to make them healthy bouncing babies.”

I’m sorry, those were awful. If you have anymore, feel free to post them in the comments section!

Real Life Gay Penguins Raising Eyebrows…

They say that penguins mate for life. A male and a female penguins pair off and spend their lives together raising children. Awww, how sweet eh? It’s a tale as old as time (or at least since penguins were invented) and I’m sure it’ll continue forever. But a penguin couple in the Toronto Zoo are raising some eyebrows with their coupling habits. Buddy and Pedro are a same-sex couple.

“They do courtship and mating behaviours that females and males would do,’’ one keeper said.

These include the practice of “braying”, a sound like that of donkeys, as mating calls. They defend each others territory, they preen each other and stand alone together for hours on end. These two little bird brains are inseparable. And it’s not the first rime homosexual tendencies have been noticed in penguins. In fact, a children’s book has been written about this very subject, “And Tango Makes Three”, and it’s based on the story of Roy and Silo, a pair of male penguins that exhibited mating habits who were observed trying to hatch rocks together. With their interest piqued, the zookeepers experimented by giving the same-sex couple a real egg to hatch out to see if the could manage it. It turned out they could and the product of which was a female chick called Tango.

This story doesn’t have a happy ending though. Due to Buddy and Pedro belonging to the endangered African penguins species, zookeepers plan to split them up and pair them off with females penguins in order to protect the species. Poor things.

Internet users have been weighing in on this topic and it’s drawing the kind of comments you’d expect. They range from gay rights activists to people condemning the act of penguin homosexuality. My opinion is that they are obviously displaying signs of a relationship (or “pair bonding” as they call it in zoo speak) but at the same time I can see the need to split them up. After all, the zoo is trying to protect the species. But it’s an interesting tale.

As as an aside note, my dad once observed same-sex tendencies in racing pigeons. My dad has kept pigeons for most of his life and he recalls a pair of male pigeons that would always try to shack up in the same nest box together. It was a funny tale to me as a young boy, but I can definitely see the parallels today…

95-Year-Old Threatens Neighbour With Pocket Knife (Kinda)!

This story should be filed under the “Awwww Bless…” section. A story made the news this week of a pair of Panama City pensioners and their escalating feud. The Florida neighbours have apparently been on bad terms for a while now and unfortunately this has resulted in an act of (attempted) violence.

This dispute started three years ago when Joe Taylor, 95 (not 97 as the police report states), accused Charles Woolard, 75, of stealing his walking cane. It’s not a proven fact that he did but that would definitely be grounds for a blood feud in my opinion. The police were first drawn into this spat when Woolard reported his nonagenarian neighbour had taken swings at him. He was able to block them, but still, Taylor had exhibited violent behaviour. But it gets better…

This past Monday, the police were called out again when Woolard reported that Taylor had pulled a out pocket knife on him. Well, kinda. He definitely pulled the pocket knife out, but not in the traditional sense. Taylor, who has limited strength and dexterity in his hands, was unable to unsheathe the blade from it’s handle. It was the intent, not the act. Right?

Woolard said he was “concerned he might have to act if he actually get the knife open.”

Many years ago a saw a movie called “Grumpy Old Men”. To me this just seems like a real-life version of that. And although I shouldn’t, I couldn’t help but smile when I read this story. True, Taylor probably had some bad intentions when he produced the knife but at the end of the day it’s just an amusing story to me. Am I wrong for thinking like that?

Naked, Lovestruck Drunk Driver!

Anyone can become a drunken driver. That whole scenario is old hat. Just get some alcohol down your neck, crank up your car and crash into something. Simple. But this past Sunday, a Moscow man, named only as Vitaly G, put a new spin on this old scenario. He decided to drink impaired while BUCK NAKED! As with many posts on this blog, this once again proves that it takes all sorts to make this World go round.

But it wasn’t all fun and games. This naked twit crashed into 17 separate vehicles during his drunken escapade, among them were four police cars and a school bus full of children. Thankfully nobody was seriously injured.

The police eventually brought the mystery man to a halt and were amazed as they pulled the totally naked man, supposedly in his 40s, out of the runaway Renault Morgan car. The Moldovan-born man, who had recently changed his citizenship to Russian, explained that he had been having a rough time of it lately having recently broken up with his significant other.

“I was flying on the wings of love. The day before my loved one said she was no longer ready to have a serious relationship.” he is quoted as saying.

Bless his heart. You have to feel for the guy. But maybe he would’ve been better served to just change the locks on his house and burn her belongings like normal rational folks would do, right?

Wife Keeps Her Husband’s Corpse!

Marriage is a holy institution. Marriage is a commitment. In fact, one of the vows is to stay together for “as long as you both shall live, ’til death do you part.” Well, one Colombian woman apparently ignored this sacred vow because she decided to keep her deceased husband’s corpse in her house for thirty days after his passing.

This nasty and nauseating tale comes to us from the village of La Umbria in southwest Colombia. Alba Yacue, 58, kept the corpse of her spouse, Lucio Chacue, 61, in their home because in life Lucio had promised her her would “come back to life”. Police were alerted to the strange goings on when neighbours reported Lucio had gone missing and investigators were soon on the scene.

“What remained of his body a month after his death was wrapped in a sheet. It was in an advanced state of decomposition and emitted a horrendous smell that Alba Yacue endured hoping for the resurrection of her companion, as he had promised while still alive,” reported local newspaper La Nación.

The corpse is now at the La Paz Funeral home and Mrs. Yacue is reported as saying she wants the body back after they’ve finished so she can bury it in her backyard.

Funeral director Evangelista Ome said “In over 40 years of funerals, I have never seen anything of this magnitude. It has left us perplexed.”

I tell ya, that right there is true love. To the point where I’m starting to wonder if I’ve ever truly been in love? I just can’t see myself doing this to my wife and I hope my wife wouldn’t either. It takes all types to make the World go round, and apparently Colombia has a few of them…

Monopoly Game Ends in Stabbing!

A sixty-year old grandmother is sitting in a New Mexico jail this morning after brutally attacking her boyfriend when a game of Monopoly gave way to violence. And if she’s thinking about using her “Get Out of Jail Free” card, she’d better forget it! Laura Chavez is accused of brutally assaulting Clyde “Butch” Smith, 48, with a wine bottle and a kitchen knife.

The police on the scene reported that Chavez told the police that she had first walloped Smith over the head with the bottle then attacked him with the knife, causing wounds to the top of his head, neck, left eye brow and right wrist. When they first arrived at the Santa Fe apartment they saw her sitting on the porch covered in her significant other’s blood. When asked if it was Smith’s blood she replied “Yes, I f***** him up.” Classy broad. Police reported that both parties were intoxicated. I know, shocking.

You know, when I was younger I was known as a somewhat poor loser when it came to board games. I just hated losing. I don’t know why that would be but that’s the truth. And you wouldn’t have to go all that far back to find my last embarrassing incident. During a game of Chinese checkers with my then newly-wed wife, I saw I was losing and decided to nudge the board so all the marbles would roll out of place. It’s not something I’m proud of, especially because I was 23-years old at the time. My wife and I still laugh about that to this day. But did I go ballistic and start to whack her with the checker board? Nope. My wife just laughed at me and I pouted. End of story.

So why did Chavez resort to such an extreme act? Maybe Smith had secretly been stealing money from the bank. Maybe he’d been harboring “Get Out of Jail Free” cards, obtained with less than honorable means? I wonder if it’s because he started buying up all her properties? We’re living in a World rife with recession and corporate takeovers and perhaps it just hit a little too close to home. Whatever the reason, Smith is now convalescing in hospital while Chavez sits in jail under a $5,000 bond (or until she rolls doubles).